Tomorrow is the day I set of on my cruise, and though a part of me is excited, another part of me feels reluctant to go. I think it is just some stress, what about, I have no idea. I will have to get a haircut once I get back though, my hair is starting to look like I have no idea what. It is all over the place, in my mouth even sometimes. Not that I want to go and see 'him' again, but this time it seems like I really have no choice. My hair is really irritating me. I'm supposed to report at half past nine tomorrow, and somehow, I can't help but dread it. Maybe it's because I'm too used to having at least my sister with me whenever I go out, but this time, I will only have my friends. But I already plan on going shopping in Phuket, so that I have something to give my godmother, her sons, my grandmother and my aunts. Hopefully I have enough money for everything...
LeO TaN.6:33 AM
Finally, tomorrow will be my last paper before the weekend comes. A part of me wishes that the weekend doesn't come because I'm super busy, but another part of me just can't wait for it. i told my classmate about 'him' just now, and she teased me a lot about it, saying that I should go and cut my hair everyday, and maybe get him to wash my hair while he is at it as well. I don't know, but somehow, talking about 'him' makes me feel all tingly. It has definitely been a very long time since I feel like this, and I'm not so sure if I hate this feeling. It's like... I don't really know how to explain. It's just what it is, and I think I'm going to leave it at that. School was okay today, I guess. A little tiring, because I had to papers to sit for. Realised that some guys don't look good in uniforms at all, and that is saying something because I used to find guys in uniforms so... attractive? I don't know, I think I'm going crazy from all the stress!!!! Will go and shoot myself in the head now, haha.
LeO TaN.5:45 AM
I think that I'm embarassing myself for no good reason! Or maybe it is just all in my head... I used to have this weird habit in primary and secondary school. Whenever I have a crush on a particular guy, I will become too nervous to even say hi to him, even though the guy just happens to be a friendly classmate. I think I have outgrown that, thankfully. But somehow, when I saw 'him' just now, my heart started racing and even as I sit here blogging, my heart still skip a beat when I recall how cool his tattoos are. But I think that 'he' or men like 'him' will never be approved by my dad. He is such a stick in the mud, but I know I can't really blame him, he just has my best interest at heart. Still, that doesn't mean that I cannot have a life, right? With my father around, I will never be able to lead the life I want for myself. I'll never be able to go out with friends, won't be able to go on dates, stuff like that. Haha, I talk as if a lot of boys are interested in me. It's the complete opposite in fact, but I don't mind. As long as I'm still single, I know that I have the freedom to daydream, without reality kicking in. And as long as I'm still dreaming, 'he' will be the ultimate man... *sigh*
LeO TaN.6:40 AM
I think that I have to officially declare myself crazy, and I'm not joking. Who in the world spends time to daydream about their hair stylists? I do, for the past two or so days. I think it must have been the headache... Just now the pain was so bad, my hands were shaking as I held the test papers. Yep, this week is my exam week, then on Saturday I have to attend one last final briefing before setting off on Sunday. I am really busy this week, I also have to go visit my grandmother before I go, so that I won't regret should anything happen while I'm gone. I also have to go to my Aunt's place on the very same day, and since I had a choice to make, I chose my grandmother's house, simply because I feel more welcomed and at home there. Not that I hate my father's side of the family, but I won't be honest should I say I enjoy spending time with them. They never seem to make time for us anyway, so I don't see the reason why I should spare some of my precious time for them. I know, I sound like a heartless bitch, and I don't deny that sometimes I am, but on the whole, I'm just a crazy person(who likes her hairstylist) who just wants to feel all warm and fuzzy inside...
LeO TaN.7:01 AM
Today I received the bursary award, and I was pleased to find out that poly students will receive three hundred dollars. Finally, my account has a few dollars extra in case of emergencies. Not that I always withdraw cash anyway, but still, it's good to know that I have some leeway and won't have to restrict myself to such extremes. But somehow, I don't seem as happy as I used to be whenever I get some money. I don't know why, but this time, the feeling is just not there. The emotions I used to feel are but a thing of the past. I don;t know why, but I feel so hollow, like I have no heart or something. My mother says that it is most probably the same thing that gave me my headaches, but I've never really suffered from that before. I really hope with what little piece of heart I have left to overcome this phase, because should it be permanent, I don't know what I might do...
LeO TaN.6:02 AM
This few days has been rather blank for me. I don't know why, but my headaches seems to be getting worse and worse, and no medication seems to be working for me. I went to the doctor for the third time just now over a period of seven weeks, and this time the doctor actually gave me some other medication, something that I think has no connection to my headaches whatsoever. It seems to me that I find it harder and harder for me to fall asleep, unlike before. There always seems to be something weighing my mind down, but I just can't seem to put my finger on what it is that is bothering me so much. Life as I know it has turned upside down, and I'm not really sure if I can adapt to it well. I'm not used to being so serious all the time, to have something actually bothering me to the extent that I keep thinking about it. Those were the days that I actually have no cares in the world, living on a day to day basis without having to think about what comes tomorrow. I used to think about things as they come, but how things have changed now. I have worries that stop me from enjoying anything that I do, stopping me from feeling as happy as I'm supposed to when I receive a piece of good news. I have no idea how long this will last, but all I'm certain for now is that it will last quite some time. One thing is for sure, I will never forget this period of time for the rest of my life, the period of time that Fatin Rasyidah didn't feel like smiling at all...
LeO TaN.7:36 AM
It has been a very long time since I added an entry now. For some strange reason, I just don't feel like typing much, too lazy I guess. None of my group members replied me when I contacted them regarding the projects. I know they dislike me, but they shouldn't let emotions cloud their judgment. Have they forgotten that the projects will be included in our ICA? I mean, if they are very coonfident that their written paper will geet full marks, I don;t mind. But why jeapordize everybody's marks like that? We all have a chance to do well, but they are just throwing everything away, just like theat. Other than that, I have nothing to say to them. I went to KL for thee nights and four days last week for a break, but somehow, even a short holiday doesn't make my headache go away. It has been slightly over a month now, and everyday there is a throbbing pain at the back of my head. I don't really mind it if the pain stays there, but my mood fouls when the pain is at the front of my head, where my forehead is. The pain there is much worse, and I can't even think straight with the pain there. I've gone to the doctor's twice, each time requesting for stronger painkillers. But even synflex 275 mg now codeine tablets work for me. What te hell is going on in my head? Don't tell me I'm going to have to live with this pain in my head for a very long time, because my patience is wearing thin already...
LeO TaN.2:39 AM
I'll be leaving for a trip to KL this wednesday, and somehow I don't really look forward to it even though I was the one who asked my father for it, saying that I need break from everything. Emailed my class tutor, but once again, my pleas fell on deaf ears. Well, now only the Goddess of Mercy can help, and I hope she does... oh well...
LeO TaN.7:31 AM
hello i'm me
This one korean drama that I've been looking for but can't find^_^
To eat
Being judged by others
Feel free to tag if you peeked into my blog
I'm basically an open person, approachable, amicable, haha
` Wishes.
Someone I can trust
More time in my hands ^_^
` Loves.
My family
Having fun
` Hates.
Not being taken seriously
Being compared to others
*May 2008
*June 2008
*July 2008
*August 2008